Lauren’s Opinion: Cider
Disclaimer: This is an opinion.
Now that we have four Love Ledger’s under our belts, let’s break out my most recent dating experience – Cider – a beverage that is delicious but can sometimes turn out fairly sour.
Cider’s ledger takes me through one of my favorite ways to meet a man and really the only desirable way – out in the streets. Sometimes the streets are good to me but mostly the streets have been questionable.
The main thing that brought Cider to an abrupt halt in dating was his behavior towards a date he met on Hinge. He behaved somewhat of the same way toward me, even though I didn’t know it at the time. Our gut – my gut in this case – can suspect something strange. Which it did. When I told him I was a single mom and within 2 minutes he needed to “use the bathroom”, that is when the story comes into play.
He chose to disclose on one of his prior dates that she only looked 80% like her photo and she didn’t disclose she was a single mom after they were texting for two weeks prior. Sure, that is not great on her. Yet, 80% isn’t necessarily problematic in my opinion. We all know the photos of the person are the best ones people have online and it’s normal that how people photograph and who even takes their picture can vary wildly. If he had said 60%? That’s an issue. But 80% for an internet date isn’t exactly a deal breaker.
But that’s not even the worst part of our story – the worst part is he exits to the bathroom after cocktails arrive to go text his friend. Then he accidentally sends the texts to her instead! She obviously drank her cocktail and left. But Cider, my darling, why would you need to disclose anything to your friend on a date unless you’re unsafe? Can you – at 30ish years old – not make a decision without a board of directors nearby?
Then after this story is told to me, of course, I am knowing that in the 2 minutes he left to the bathroom he was doing the same thing. Now something within him made him prolong the date – for 4 HOURS.
How did he get the name Cider?
Because after our 2.5 hours out, he comes to my apartment asks me for a drink and all I have for alcohol are ciders – apple flavored, naturally. Now, these ciders are great for a light day at the pool.
But sir, did you need 2 in your visit?
Now, this wasn’t even the qualm about the date – those are just facts of what happened. My qualm was we kissed (no fireworks sadly) and also he kissed me goodbye and text me when he got home saying he had fun. Then disappeared into the Rocky Mountains for good…
This had me scratching my head. Why?
It revealed to me that at times, our preferences, speak a great deal about us during our dating life. I wasn’t his preference and he wasn’t mine, yet he continued and prolonged this date quite a bit. He even revealed to me on the date that I wasn’t his preference too but still drank another Cider and sat there on my couch and still texted me goodnight.
WILD, Carl. Absolutely WILD.
Now, maybe this happens. Both people notice the fizzle and don’t reach back out? But it made me think, what do my preferences reveal about me in my own dating adventures?
I would imagine it reveals my faith is the anchor to how I date.
Now there is not dating in the bible. But there is a great deal of emphasis how we live and interact with others.
I felt the way the texts ended determined that we both didn’t want another date with each other and it was a polite ending. We both said goodnight and let it be.
My largest question for Cider, was why on earth would he extend the date if he didn’t actually want to date me? There’s many reasons that we could infer but none are logical.
Sometimes, if something is mutually and agreed through subtext and in retrospect of the date, it’s best not to reach back toward it. I also let the man lead me – that means he pursues and I meet him there with interest. I do not pursue. It doesn’t mean I’ve never asked a man out or to take me out, *cough England cough*, but it has to be where I feel the proximity, the interest, and the pursuit of something on the table already exists between us.
And it also goes to show that as a single mom, it is harder in the dating world. There’s not many men who I feel I would yoke myself to after being divorced. I definitely need a man who is highly independent, has his own interests, and doesn’t need me to prop up his life.
I’ve learned over time that I am technically my own preference haha!
What does this mean?
It means that I want someone who I think matches me as a partner – not just the attraction, but can meet me with that same adventurous spirit for life while allowing me to also have my own interests. I write a ton and I read a ton. I don’t want a man to need to be “entertained” by me consistently or need constant attention.
I’ve had a lot of flack for my preferences too. But they reveal that my heart desires mutuality, a consensual relationship, and a relationship with Jesus at the heart. If it’s not there, it won’t ever work.
Ultimately, our preferences reveal what we desire in varying degrees. Typically, but not always, if we prefer casual relationships, we usually desire independence. If we prefer sex only, we desire pleasure. If we prefer someone who takes care of us financially, we prefer monetary freedom. If we prefer not to date a single mom, it’s usually because they want their own children or do not want children. This doesn’t mean every person has this underlying desire but that the desire is fairly common to why someone would choose that preference.
None of these preferences are necessarily “bad” – but they do reveal how we want our life to be shaped in love.
And for you reader – what are your preferences communicating about your own dating life? And if you don’t like what they may be communicating, will you change them?
Our preferences create fences for those who we should be keeping out entirely. They aren’t just a checklist of pros or cons that we will and won’t tolerate. They are guardrails to protect our hearts from what we know ultimately isn’t God’s best for us – even if we have to keep waiting for God’s best to arrive. It’s the idea that how we build relationships and move through them, reveals not just our preferences but our heart space.
“As water reflects the face, so one’s life reflects the heart.” Proverbs 27:19 NIV
Does that mean if our desires are communicating something inaccurate that they are wrong?
No. It means this would be an area we should look at to garner different results. It would be like saying you want to wait to have sex until you’re committed, but find yourself slipping into that too often. You put a guardrail up – you won’t bring anyone inside. You kiss goodbye at the door. Whatever guardrail you need so that the desire you actually want is the end result.
It doesn’t mean it’s formulaic but it does mean you work toward the desire you actually want to see start to take shape in your life.