Lauren’s Opinion: It Takes Two
Disclaimer: This is an opinion.
All of my love ledgers have involved one man each. But now, welcome to the love ledger that is an ode to a night out this past February. A sequined brown dress meant for New Year’s got postponed. A “starlet” moment.
Enter It Takes Two.
The first man, Gilmore, was right out of a 1990s novel. Middle part, dark brown hair, dimples, and a smile that could put me on the floor if I didn’t have my wits about me. Thankfully I did. Gilmore was very sweet but very young. Sir, were you needing to take a turn about the room to see if there was better talent? I raise my glass to you, my young darling – you won’t find a woman like me anywhere. But please go on a Queen Esther beauty contest search if you must. Esther bible notes anyone? 😉
The second man, Britain, was everything that is wrong with dating. For me, he was pretentious, handsome, a little sleazy, and his height – which I usually would admire – turned me off. He was a turnoff. And he tried to kiss me on the mouth after he had been hitting on the women to my friend and me’s right for at least twenty minutes. To tell me a woman isn’t “pretty” makes me cringe even now in retrospect, as though that would somehow garner my affections.
But the hilarity of the story that was missing in my ledger? I ran into Britain only a few months later at the same bar! If God ever had a sense of humor, it’s His way of these men reentering my orbit without even a prayer to bring them round. If anything, I am trying to pray horrible men away.
This goes to show that two men in my ledger who were both British had totally different personalities and game. Britain wanted to use his Ferrari, his money, and his height to impress me. England wanted to remain reserved, understated, and try to win me over by being utterly polite toward my favorite hobby – my lunchtime reading.
Britain, please get out a pen and take some new notes on how to woo a woman.
Now, what is the main question this love ledger brought about for me, you might be wondering?
If I am not truly going to go on a date with a man and he continues to fund my girls’ night out, is this morally wrong? Am I enticing him and leading him toward water that I won’t even allow him to drink?
This was a great conundrum and even a moment where I – and the ladies round the world – should be asking ourselves if we are taking advantage.
I think a lot of times when we think of the word “advantage”, we join forces with other women for how men collectively have been grouped together and treated us or others. But regardless of this grouping or collectively, our individual actions in our personal lives matter greatly.
I definitely did not ask Britain nor Gilmore to buy me drinks. They willingly did it. However, does that matter when we or I are going to answer the question?
Many times we justify our actions by someone’s willingness to participate and their consent. But we also need to look at what our own “yes” implies. In this case, I don’t believe what I did was wrong, as both the men received my number and neither did anything with it. So in many regards, even if they had texted me and we wouldn’t have gone on a date, I did somewhat engage with them and lead them to that possibility.
It begs the deeper question: is it okay to accept drinks from men who you don’t actually like?
I think now, looking back on that scenario, there are times when it is plain rude to say no. But I find in many cases – including the night I met Cider – the men at the dive bar I was at also bought my friend and me drinks even though we were plotting in the bathroom to escape them. So it’s both ends of us trying to navigate not being directly rude to men and then men behaving as though a drink garners them into our presence or even further – into our personal lives.
It’s hard to say no to a kindness, isn’t it? It’s hard to imagine anyone who is being generous and using their money to be kind to have ulterior motives. But we need to look at not just the generosity of a drink but how we choose to accept things that may not be what God wants from us.
Though I used Proverbs 31:3, “Do not spend your strength on women, your vigor on those who ruin kings”, it’s double-edged (Hebrews 4:12, anyone?) and it should be. Men who chase women down and are trying to garner attention from women for their own selfish pleasures should be watched. Women who are accepting kindnesses of drinks or food or attention from men, only seeking validation, knowing they aren’t going to accept the man’s pursuit, should also be watched.
It’s not just men, and it’s not just women. It’s us, together, making poor decisions when our energies on a night out are trying to gain the affections of the opposite sex.
The one thing I had to look back on in my actions was my friend and her feelings. While she’s very laid back, I did have to look mostly at how my actions on a wilder night out impacted her. That, to me, was the ultimate disrespect I felt in the scenario – was my friend okay with my behavior?
She was very gracious and assured me I behaved appropriately and above bar. But we need to be careful on our nights out – even when we are just having fun – to ask ourselves (yes, you reader too):
Will this end up with an emotional hangover the next day?
If so, we should be reframing how we go out and not just lightly imbibe, but how we interact with men.