Lauren’s Opinion: Easter
Disclaimer: This is an opinion.
I have now been publicly exposed by unsolicited American spies in England, found humpback whale adventures shut down in Derby, and met a White Knight who scaled walls and fought off dragons. Now I introduce you to Love Ledger Entry No. 4 – Easter – a fresh take on a Jesus-fearing man.
Easter’s ledger is a little different, as it does touch on an assumption that Christian women tend to have. That assumption? If they meet a man in church, being reserved, and starting to become more involved, it will be a match.
Now did I have this assumption about Easter when I first laid eyes on him? No. Going to church is only one element of living out the fruits of the Spirit in a Christian’s life. I find Christian’s to be more attached to ideas of safety within the church walls than believing that God will judge us first before he judges outside the walls of the church.
God cares how we treat our fellow neighbor.
This led to my first egg in Easter’s basket:
What was this man doing, bringing a woman to the same service as me – after telling me he wanted to restart things – when the 11 am was offered?
Easter Sunday is a huge ordeal in Christian circles – if you bring a significant other on that day, you are typically declaring to the congregation a “hard launch” of sorts. It doesn’t mean that was his intent, but intent and impact are very different things.
The part that puzzled me most is that if he was attempting to date us both, why the same service? And if he wanted to not date me, why not say that on the call the night before? So many options and courtesies existed in this man’s options.
I said I was bothered by England’s mishandling of things after the rejection. But bothered is not the same as, or in the same wheelhouse as, Easter’s blatant disrespect.
I was STUNNED. The welcome committee – friends of mine – had seen Easter and me leave. What was the greatest humiliation for me was that we had just started seeing each other. He had the option not to keep seeing me – certainly. But the disrespect in my place of safety was unnecessary.
It made me feel as though it was meant to embarrass me – which I shared with him. His reaction is what made everything infinitely troublesome. His excuse was that we were exclusive and so “he didn’t think much of it”.
This led to my second egg in Easter’s basket:
Do we owe people the knowledge before we are exclusive that we are dating multiple people?
I think we do in varying degrees, especially since I had told Easter I only dated one man at a time to try to see if we hit it off. It doesn’t mean I do that forever. But I like to give the first 2-3 dates the focus they deserve and not have distractions or comparisons.
We live in a culture that values options so they can compare.
Sometimes comparison is valuable – the price, the risk, the wear and tear. But people are not products and should not be treated as disposable.
The part that really angered me – I am talking, made me completely “hot-fired pissed” – is that he knew that I was selective in my dating, and he claimed he was too. If he wasn’t, he knew I wouldn’t have kept dating him. And calling me the night beforehand to ask about whether I wanted more children so he could continue really made a juxtaposition. He could ask for clarity and have information to help him decide whether to keep dating me, but I was not given that same generosity.
This leads me to the third egg in Easter’s basket:
Is a lie by omission still a lie when we’re dating if we aren’t exclusive?
I believe it is worse because we are withholding information the other person needs so that while we “decide” on what’s best for us, we keep them as our option.
“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do so.” Proverbs 3:27
That’s the final lie to us all – options are only real if we actually imagine ourselves dating that particular person.
I find a lot of these so-called “options” are just excuses to feel validation, even amongst Christian circles. We should be held to Biblical standards in how we move through the world – even if at times it is less desirable.
That is why Easter claimed to have Jesus fearing values, but ultimately, when met with inconvenience or even asking him directly the truth, he made self-protection excuses for himself. He told me we should be friends.
And rightly I confronted this idea – if I wouldn’t allow a future boyfriend to treat me this way, why on earth would I allow a friend to?
This leads me to the final egg in Easter’s basket:
Do we have different standards for friends than significant others?
I don’t think we should. While we don’t marry our friends, we shouldn’t allow different standards to slip and slide for romantic vs platonic love. While we have tiers of friends in their closeness to us, our closest friends and our significant others should be held to the same standards.
We wouldn’t want our friends lying to us by omission.
And the largest issue I had wasn’t even that he lied, but that he was willing to take me on a lunch date that Friday still and saw no issue with his behavior. He wasn’t ever planning to tell me he brought the other woman.
It tainted my Easter and even had me thinking momentarily about how I could return to a church I had attended for 3 years.
Now – other things that week and subsequent weeks led me to leave, but they all had the same markings that the interaction of that man had with me – a lack of humility.
In that interaction, or when confronted with behavior, humility is essential to see perspective. If we don’t see issues with our actions but see that it’s impacted someone gravely, it’s our job to make it right. We don’t run from reconciliation just because we don’t like the impact or consequences that may occur. The leaders were doing the same thing as this man. It’s a trickle-down impact not just in church but in any organization.
If leaders don’t set the example in conflict or in minor issues – it will bleed out to everyone.
What is the dating takeaway?
I found Easter to be a man who spoke of himself as humble (he actually said this when we went to coffee), but did not act it out in real time. When actually confronted with his behavior, he sought to justify himself instead. It means that I watch – and have watched – how people behave vs what they say.
As I mentioned before, we don’t have to know someone’s inner intentions to determine their behavior was problematic and, in this case, self-oriented.
It also debunks this Christian myth that you’ll always meet your boyfriend or husband at church. You may and you may not. While you want the person you marry to go hard after Jesus, there are deep layers to how we should not judge by mere appearances but in love and truth.
I have seen people who fear God outside the church walls and seen people who don’t fear God inside it.
Humility in the Christian life is that we fear sinning against God and then our neighbor. If we don’t fear this then our actions will reflect that in how we move through our interactions, what we value, and how much empathy we have.
We live in a culture that doesn’t value nor possess empathy very much.
The final thought for you in the current dating culture:
What non-exclusivity behaviors are you participating in that culture glorifies but may hurt someone else?
It’s not just Easter that should be looked at or dogged on – though his behavior was the worst and most publicly humiliating outside of the neighbors in England – but that we should be looking at our own behaviors.
We’ve all done things in dating that we were fearful of saying to others because we may lose them in our life, whether we really wanted to date them or not.
Dating in general has a lot of ambiguity, but it’s our job as Christians to not behave or move through the world as the culture we’re surrounded by. It’s our job to show Jesus in our embodied lifestyle.
If we are keeping our options open and not communicating to preserve ourselves, then how can we ever expect dating culture to improve?